On Losing My Religion


I walk like a duck, talk like a duck, look like a duck…but I’m not ready to come out as a duck yet.

I’m talking about breaking those ties with your old religion to move into greater spiritual growth. And for me, at least, true growth can’t happen without it. So why is my Catholic upbringing the unshakeable monkey on my back? πŸ™ˆ

It’s a necessary evil (pun very carefully intended βš‘οΈπŸ‘Ό) for anyone trying to shed outmoded beliefs and step out of fear and suppression in search of deeper understanding.

I was thinking about all these new age concepts that I’ve always gravitates toward, but am now consciously trying to activate in my life. And it kind of hit me that this “spiritual” concept of the Divine as an ever-supporting energy source is an evolved understanding of the Judeo-Christian of love and sin, right and wrong. So, as a person who considers herself pretty highly evolved, why am I so eager to stay rooted in what I intellectually know is a stilted and antiquated belief system?

Maybe I prefer to think of God as a deity whose approval it’s my mission to win, perhaps because that’s the model of love I adhered to so readily as a child and it’s made such a lasting impression on me. My spiritual life worked for me because it mirrored my home life, and approval was something I was successful at and enjoyed earning. Yet as an adult, I’ve been stymied by how to reconcile enjoying behaviors and activities that won’t win approval (πŸ»πŸ’΅πŸŽ‰πŸ€πŸ…), at least in the eyes of Catholicism.
As a thinker, a progressive, an introspect, even a romantic for following one’s heart, you’d think I’d have been able to give up an unhelpful way of being that I developed as a child, when structure and rules were useful in navigating the world. But it’s like a bad habit that’s so damn difficult to drop.

This is an ongoing saga, but I already feel lighter by having written about it. And that’s something.

Hoping something resonated with you,

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